Madonna and I have the EXACT same gym outfit! Twinners!
30 minutes before the gym:
OK self, I know you just got home from work, and you’re tired. However; you haven’t been to the gym in two weeks, which is out of hand. YOU MUST GO TO THE GYM. If you don’t go now, it’ll be dinnertime, and you know you won’t go after dinner. Just go now, you can do it. It’s an hour of your life. It’s not that hard.
BUT I DON’T WANNNAAAAA! It was a long, hard day after a super-busy weekend and I deserve to just sit here for a change!
Self, need I remind you that you were winded after going up two flights of stairs at the hotel in Park City on Friday???
Lacing up Asics, departing for the gym:
Stupid gym. Stupid iPod that isn’t charged. Stupid self-motivating words inside my head. Stupid gym.
At the gym, mid-mile #1:
This feels so good! I must’ve really needed this! I love this song! I love that episode of Friends up on TV #2! I could run for hours! This is not that hard! I’m so glad I waited until my iPod charged! I love my iPod! Oooh, I love this song even more than the one before! I haven’t even looked at the mileage gauge once yet!
Self, YAY YOU!
At the gym, mid-mile #2:
Man, only 1.7 miles, really? I swear I’ve been running for days already. I hate The O’Reily Factor. I hate you, Ann Coulter. Must every TV in this damn place be set to the Fox News Channel? This song sucks. This one does too. It’s SO hard to run to a song whose beat is slower or faster than the rhythm I’m running . I hate the gym. I hate you, stupid meatheads who both just changed the channel to WWF wrestling. I hate you, girl who wears makeup to the gym. Man, only 1.8 miles, really??????
At the gym, nearing the end of mile #3:
It’s so hot in here. My face is dripping off of my head. I hate you, Sean Hannity. 2.86 miles.
Ok self, you only have to run for .14 more miles, then you can jog the last bit. Almost there.
2.87 miles. Seriously Pussycat Dolls, THAT’S your “music video”???? 2.89 miles. Man, I’ve skipped 14 songs in a row. 2.9 miles. I can’t breathe. My heart is going to beat out of my chest and land, pumping and spurting blood, right on the belt of this treadmill. 2.91 miles?? This gauge is totally broken.
At the gym, doing crunches, post 3.6 miles:
This communal yoga mat smells like B.O. and cheap foam rubber. 38, 39, 40…switch sides. Has no one in this corporate establishment ever heard of AIR CONDITIONING? It’s new, look into it. 38, 39, 40….switch sides.
OK self, only 5 more sets. You’re almost done with this whole blessed event.
38, 39, 40…switch sides. I hate you, creepy old guy who is staring at me while I grunt and grimace my way through these last 160 crunches. There is no air in this entire building that is suitable for breathing. 38, 39, 40…switch sides.
Driving home from the gym:
That wasn’t so hard. I could totally do that every day.
Shut up, self, no one likes an I told you so.
3 comments:
Uhm..I am lol'ing. Maybe you should go to the gym in the morning from now on, before you have had time to wake up and have so many thoughts. That's my recommendation to you. Either way, I'm jealous that you can run. I am averaging weight gain of 2.5lbs per week these days. 1.5 lbs more than is recommended. Go me! I blame Oscar.
WHAAA????!!!! You hate Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity? I never in a thousand, million, trillion years would have seen that coming?....
I don't wannaaaaa!
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